A Public Pacifier
I have been hitting writers block. When you have the ability to do writing on an extensive scale, but you can’t make sense of it things become infuriating. That faith the size of a pebble yet again is the very thing that slays my Goliath. I really do find it comical when people think I got it all together. Just like my writing and art; this is not without its moments. Obviously I said this was going to be posted Wednesday noon hour and that did not happen. Still working on my bad habits obviously.
Around June 15 of this year 2020 I was thinking about trying to become translucent again. I was spending a lot of time being on art live streams. I had this deep burning desire for a while. It has been making things problematic because when I am out in the open my autism becomes annoying to others. I talk to myself a lot and this has gotten on a lot of peoples nerves. My wonderland I normally use works, but requires a lot of concentration which is not always practical.
Perhaps my biggest motivation was an art live stream with another person with autism. I am not sure why, but I often mention my pacifier use and my autism in chat. When its the internet you have the freedom to be exactly who you are. Talking about my autism may not have been the greatest way to go about things. I was able to find others who also had an oral item. One of them said she would use part of her shirt or jacket to chew on. I never found chewing as a helpful way to stimm. I even tried chewelry and it did very little for me. I sometimes put the tip of my thumb in my mouth because I can get away with it. I did this a lot actually during class’s. It is enough to help me pay attention perfectly.
Due to how Covid had everyone on lock down; all the artist of the net were very active. What better way to put aside ones fears then to start an art live stream? A big one was Tsitra360 for me, but it sure was not the only one. One of my favorite artist had to overcome very difficult moments. She was not able to do art for a while due to life obstacles. I recently noticed she did a wonderful piece to try and get back with it. However, her motivation to overcome life is extremely inspiring to me. I re-watched a lot of her time laps art. I especially watched them during the lock down.
It is an intriguing thought how I decided to overcome my anxiety the way I recently have. Having this behind closed doors is not a reasonable plan of action. I hate hiding it and it sure does nothing for my social anxiety. I dealt with some very confusing emotions when I heard that the lock down was going to be lifted. Interestingly enough this was around the same time I decided to start this website. I was doing online therapy at the time. I never consider it a bad thing. Honestly I wish more people would consider their mentality as important as their physical health.
The therapy I had started after I dropped out of tech school. You have to start somewhere. Especially when all these emotions don’t make a lick of sense. That is what a therapist is good for. They are good at helping you make sense of your thoughts and feelings. The fallow through; however, is best done with a committed activity or project. I don’t just brag about being an imaginative crafter for attention. It is literally something that I needed. It would be wonderful if I can make this my living.
I had one goal in mind when I began this journey. I decided to find ways to prevent things from becoming destructive at night. Of course it also is important to prevent my momentary losses of reality in a public setting. Normally I excuse myself to a restroom to be modest about this. This really is not practical as you may think. Either there is no time or there is no bathroom. Either all stalls are taken or there is no bathroom to go to. I done this many times in the past and there were times I had to compromise on using the moment to mentally separate myself from the atmosphere I was in.
I want to be modest about this and not set off any alarms. I need to decide how I am going to do this. Under what circumstances should I hide my pacifier? For this I needed to really solve some difficult problems and answer many other questions. The most important one is what places are suitable this. The first one that comes to mind are family gatherings. Obviously Church would be the last place I would use a pacifier. Do I really need to hide it entirely? What other methods of coping should I try first?
Sometimes my mind puts me into wonderland without my knowing. In short I am lost in thought. This has been one of the many reasons I found Church difficult at times. I hope to change that with some new strategies with my new goals. Such as sketching out my little headspace when I can’t have the actual items. Although its not a perfect fit, it can buy me time until afterwords. Like at a restaurant with friends who can tolerate my need for these items. I don’t have to be socially isolated.
If I can appear appropriate enough then I am not going to allow people to get to me. My deepest desire is to overcome my anxiety and stimm in my own normal. However, there was still a major problem I had to tackle first. My use of a pacifier and or a stuffed animal in a public setting won’t do me any good if I can’t control my anxiety. The only thing it will do is exacerbate the problem I am trying to solve. When I have to rely on things such as my wonderland then things do become tricky. Like I previously mentioned this does not provide me with a logical plan of action to cope in a public setting. I rely on using my wonderland because no one can see it and no one can crash it. This can be very effective when my own stimming is limited. This helps make things nearly unnoticeable. You can’t be distracted when your doing an important task unfortunately.
A Second Opinion
I began a thread on two different forums. One was focused on age-reg for a coping strategy. The other was a Christian forum focused on creating a Church community. (Not a building) Interestingly enough the age-reg forum was the first to advise caution. It was not without valid concern though. Just about everyone on that forum knows just how hard this can be on ones reputation. To do such things in a public setting can compromise your sense of security. The whole point of age regression is to remove yourself from adult life and begin a fantasy of being like a child.
During the 4th of July I spent some time with family. My grandmother lives in an apartment and she has friends when ever she goes places like church. Of course my home church has been blessed to have a public buss service. I am just glad I got to spend some time with her. I got to discuss how I modified my stuffed animal. I put a lining inside her with a tube made of fabric. This tube connects her mouth to the bag inside her. That way I could put a pacifier clip in and be able to hide it if I ever go places. No one can see my pacifier and I am still keeping modesty in mind.
My grandmothers friend wanted to know why I went through all the trouble. I went ahead and pulled out my pacifier and showed her what it looked like. She seemed open minded. If people are going to know about it I would prefer them to know this is not a traditional infant sized pacifier. My jaw hurts even to think about using something with such a small nipple. I also explained how there are different brands that are budget, orthodontic, and large sized ones. A lot of people don’t get why these can cost so much.
That night I decided on buying a pacifier cradle that was moderately translucent. Ebay had some rewards on my account. Several days ago I noticed that the pacifier cradle got stuck on importations. It may still arrive, but it will be a good long while before it gets here. I been playing around with the idea of making my own out of a container that I normally use for mixed media art.
I finally took one of my clean ones and drilled a hole in the side of it. I took a lighter to singe the burs. I sort of made a mistake and melted a dent in it. It was not bad enough to ruin the lip where the lid went on though. I took many skeins of my embroidery thread out of my needle craft area. Using a crochet hook I made bag that encased the container while still leaving room for a window. It does not hide the pacifier, but it did not make it impossible to see. I can attach the draw strings to a hook and the window will face the floor. This makes it out of site unless you are on the ground looking up for what ever reason.
Through Age Regression
How its done normally
The past Friday through Monday morning I decided to start a new thing. After having my windows completely open to onlookers I decided to cover them once again. This was in the plan from the start, but only when I decide to go further into my little head space. A lot of people become uncomfortable seeing some one in a onsie or romper. A lot of people get the wrong idea too easily when they hear about childlike fantasy. I don’t need to cause further problems.
I like to be on the ground with all my items around me. I keep a make shift table in the middle of the room for my dolls and coloring books. I started a coloring page, but did not finish it. I use cheaper colors because the idea is to get myself to stop focusing so much on art theory. There are times when my focus on rendering surfaces ruins the joy I have in art.
So, the idea is to become like a child and put away traditional adult standards. After I manage to reach my little head space. I look at who I am in the adult world and think about those problems from a child’s perspective. I am not perfect at it yet. Sometimes I hold onto some of my adult standards. Especially the expectation of perfection. Whether it be art or the expectation of something to happen. I am the one who is going to put importance on this. It is up to me to make this into an atmosphere that can help me think realistically about my problems.
Seeing the Problem
When my emotions become unavoidable its not just emotional pain. There is a physical pain such as a head ache and my jaw that becomes really sore from clenching so hard. Of course its been a rather long time before I hit one of these moments. The last time I did was because I had trouble in tech school. I turned into something I was not proud of. Obviously I use this strategy to solve difficult problems. Its not just a way to stimm and manage my anxiety. I would like to reduce the problems before I am come home after going places.
In this past VK from adulthood I examined a rather difficult problem. There have been nights where I was kept awake from moments I was in a classroom. I get to the point my psychological being was trapped in a symbolic classroom playing out every possible scenario that could have been different. The only thing this did was cause me to loose my circating rhythm and have momentary relapses. Using my little head space is far from any type of perversion one would automatically associate with this activity. Its the only way I can escape my most challenging of problems.
Its the only way I can escape my most challenging of problems. Otherwise I am only suppressing memories only to hit me really hard at night when I am vulnerable. Losing sleep is not exactly acceptable for my life. I sometimes wonder if this was half the problem in college. Sure I was yelled at in Tech school. At least in college I was not yelled at only because I was easily confused and slow.
The Fallow Through
In a public setting there it is reasonable to act with an appropriate manor. There are times when I have to decide on how I will go about my social anxiety. I am hopeful my plushy hand bag will go well in all settings. I kind of wonder if I put enough work into making one it will even get a lot of comments. Who knows maybe some one will commission me to make one? I have used my modified Pinkie Pie plush many times in the past to carry my wallet and sketching supplies. Mind you it was minimum because the polyfill makes it hard to fit more than a handful of items.
I can still have a simple conversation starter by doing this. I used a hand bag for my wallet and drawing utensils for a while now. Its just a simple black purse I found at Hobby Lobby. The cashier’s reaction was pretty funny. I was nervous about it so it was not hard to stifle a laugh. My mother was paying for it because this was a necessity for keeping my wallet and important cards all in one place. I was really bad about losing anything from my house keys to my medial cards.
I am still looking at ways to be modest about my pacifier. This is something I knew I would have to give time. A wonderful start would be the face covering. Why should the pacifier be publicly visible if I am not doing this for the attention anyway? I will need a way to move it as needed. Keeping it on a necklace and covering things with enough fabric will do exactly what is necessary for modesty. It will be a great way to help break it in without starting this all at once. My stuffed animal as a handbag will be the first and then my pacifier will be the last.
It is hopeful there will be a time when face coverings won’t be necessary. Actually there is a bit more to how I go about this then hiding it. After all the idea was not to focus so much on hiding it in the first place. The face mask will be a perfect way to ease myself into making this item effective. Instead of the reflex to hide it, I will be able to simply ask permission before I start using it to stimm. My stuffed animal was actually an interesting problem to solve.