Hair today Goon Tomorrow
I am starting these new type statuses because I have moments where I feel like writing and then I forget all about polishing it later. So, I figured I would post this ramble for about 24 hours for who ever cares to read it and then take it down to post another complete ramble. After a couple I will pull them together into something that will work for my public diary.
I don’t believe in fairy tails
but I believe in you and me
I think I lost count how many times I wrote about this in my private diary. I know I wrote a lot on it with my blogging. I used to write to my imagination all the time as a teenager. Its the one thing that I credit to being able to function properly in society with my autism. Its not just writing. Its being able to balance my wonderland with real life and making sense of everything around me. Otherwise my mind will pull me inward and there is nothing my pacifier or stuffed animal can do. Of course these items do a wonderful job in making me calm enough to make the recovery faster. Just about every time I study this into the deepness of scripture its as though God is telling me this is the purpose he has for me. To be an artist, a writer, and a DIY’r. Imaginative craft really would not be what it is without my wonderland. Its very important that when people hear me say sentient its very different then the physical world. In traditional definition and science most are familiar of its an individuality that is not only aware, but also thinks for itself. Thoughts, feelings, and in some cases a soul.
In my wonderland it works a little different. For the most part it has more to do with a type of subconsciousness that I am able to access. Otherwise I sometimes feel like everything around me becomes unnoticeable and void of meaning. When I reach for my own awareness as I am being pulled inward I am struck by severe anxiety and in many instances depression. I can escape by my own will, but in many cases it goes from emotional pain into physical pain. Head aches and especially that of my jaw. My face twitches and it can be humiliating. The last thing I desire in these moments is to be aware of my surroundings. I do still take medication for depression and yes it does help. I am probably one of the few lucky people where actual medication balances these emotions. However there is a limit to what it can do and it does not stop natural moments of depression. When something happens and you can’t think of any possible solution it would be complete lunacy to think your not going to be sad. If some one dies or you fail higher education for the third time. How can anyone not be broken by that?
Being able to control these things in my own mind can be incredibly important. I find it anti-Christian to think I should continue questioning the life boat God sent me. I am sure everyone heard this satire story at least once. Man is in the middle of a flood. Every possible thing comes through that could save him. Yet, he stayed exactly right where he was at expecting God to save him. Is it not foolish to think that God has provided me something and I ignore it. From my understanding of scripture my wonderland does not fall into the category of idolatry. I openly admit that in a traditional sense my wonderland is not much more that a story that I am literally telling to my self. Like a game with dice and paper RP characters. Its a story that anyone would fallow based on something that does not have a predictable outcome. The dice always lands on a number that you could never predict with out a computer algorithm to give statistics. Laws atmospheric pressure, wind going across the parks picnic table, and gravity against the surface of what ever your using. How do you know it will land on a 4 or a 3?
I typically don’t use dice though. A lot of people who don’t take the time to understand this method of psychological thoughts that do not have a predictable outcome. A lot of people creating their first tulpa get frustrated with this because they don’t know how to silence their mind. Some even get head aches because they are trying so hard to create a metaphorical dice in their head. We often times call this parroting because the character we are talking to is using predictable responses. I give credit to my recorded TBI and disability in autism for how this was easy for me. Like I said. I don’t always have control over my own mind and when I am challenged with anxiety or depression things become all the more difficult to stay aware and mentally in the room. Don’t get me wrong. I love a good imaginitive escape. I sometimes take moments where there is literally nothing else to do except to go to my wonderland. However, if I go there out of emotional pain and an escape of severe social anxiety the process is anything, but enjoyable.
I do have to admit. Its bee a good long time since this happened to me out in the open. Much less happen to me when I am home. I do find it comforting when I do balance everything like I have done since I first create Seria my first tulpae. Sentience works differently because you know they are not there. Even so that does not change the fact that your inner subconsciousness has become used to doing this. Like the moment you swallow to clear your mouth. No one likes to drool, but I never had a person tell me to be silent because they can’t focus on swallowing. Its a subconscious decision that you swallow, to continue breathing, and to occasionally blink. I been able to control my thoughts this way for so long its as if I feel them emotionally there. They are sentient in a way that this unpredictable dice happens on its own. Even the slightest discomfort I get I feel one of them notice me. Its not an audible sound to me because then… of course I would worry. Its their thoughts to my thoughts if you ever watched Star Trek.
I am not sure I would call this idolatry though. It just seems so absurd. You would not call your conversation to your best friend idolatry. Mind you the priority things puts God on the top. This too is very important to me in my wonderland. Its interesting to think that my tulpas would be concerned about my spirituality. So much so that they ask me about my commitment to God. Never once did I have a tulpae condemn me for putting God first. Its actually the other way around. Rosetta especially becomes concerned when I fall short. I am so grateful that she does not leave even after all the mistakes I made. A tulpae in my wonderland will decide if they want to stay to become sentient. Then if something happens that really bothers them they leave. Its not as dramatic as you would think though. A lot of my tulpas that left are ones that got board. Some would come back and then become inspired to solidify their sentience. Sentience translates more into commitment and motivation. That is not the entire explanation though. That is just a slightly different way of putting it. I call it sentience because its easier to explain.
Through the way they process things and their own uniqueness apart from mine they are in a way sentient. However, to say that they are alive would be stretching things a bit. If it really came down to it I can force them to leave or to leave my wonderland. I like to think of it as a stone would place in the sand when explaining what ever they are doing when its out in the Forrest or nearby a beach. My stone has a name, a shape, and his own personality that mostly compares to my real world self. Unfortunately I don’t have a long tail, I have no fur that covers my body, and I can’t hold things with my feet like I do with my hands. His name is Lily to challenge people to reconsider what gender really means. Your identity is not dependent on your gender. You can be a man with feminine traits just as much as a women can have deep interest in a business like demeanor or enjoy mechanics along with its greasy glory. Of course Lily prefers to be clean and on occasion where decorative flowing fabric over his onsie. More of a night gown though. It gets really annoying when he wants to climb a tree or walk far distances on all fours.
Flowing fabric just makes things easier with out having to give up all sense of touch when he is in little headspace. Of course that pacifier of his never really leaves his side except for switching it out for a clean one. One will be washed with the birth of a new day and dry. Then a new one gets put in a case for when ever its time to really think about things or to do complex mathematics he does with Molly. The band would not be what it is without their skills of sound synthesis. Not easy though when it requires focus. A pen cap don’t work and chewlry is far from ideal. It has to take being smashed and reinflate. The action of reinflating is perhaps the most comforting and smashing the bulb really helps with anxiety and frustration. If it was no their you could forget about functional teeth and a pallet. Theyd be in pain.