Little Pebble 10 2020 Update Prt2
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The wrong way "Do we tell them?"
I debated about continuing this. I finally decided to do so, but cut it a little shorter. It will be three parts instead of something like 7 or 8 parts. Needless to say I gave up on higher education all together. I think its important for everyone to know how my coping strategies came about. School was very difficult for me. Oddly enough my grandfather on my mothers side hated school. I will never forget how he became a grocery-men. God had used him in some miraculous ways. Why should it be any different for me?
However, more to the point, I realize now that my understanding is not far different from those who are literally going the wrong direction. Not because the are ignorant, but because they have been deceived. Everything they endured in life seems to point to this one thing that they think is true. Everyone has their own spiritual deception. For me it was the early stages of my coping strategy that became my most powerful tool. Looking back on it and the most recent of times I realize that spiritual deception is not limited to those who have not committed a life to Jesus. To those of us Christians it can be even more crippling. If God is there for us then why are we suffering? Why are does God allow such difficult things to happen to us? We have an important choice to make. Either we question everything we ever been told or we allow spiritual deception to fool us and alter our perception of truth. Introduction When someone is blinded by a spiritual deception it can be very hard for them to be convinced otherwise. After praying about my coping strategies and seeking God's word; one thing became very clear. They are fooled not by their emotions, but instead their understanding of those emotions. A strange example from my life, but still relevant. I grew up with an IEP for my autism. I was hated by a lot of people through out my school years. I had a lot of people admire my desire for learning. However, after being bullied for so long you become fooled by your perceptions. I certainly did not have a clear picture of my emotions. I was the most hopeless when it came to facing my problems. I often times hid behind books and dove into experiments. Sound familiar? I don't have a single doubt in my mind that God directed me into My Little Pony. In the past 6 months I realized my calling in art and writing. I have no doubt that my coping strategies are exactly what God planned in the beginning. A lot of people make the mistake of judging destiny verses God's plan. We all know if things happened exactly the way God willed it then corruption would have never entered humanity. We all know we have a choice on our outcome. In my preteen years I hated stuffed animals. For one thing I thought my imagination was a distraction. I wanted to build things instead of playing pretend. Although as a kid I did have an imagination. I also carried stuffed animals like they were dirty socks. They often times reminded me of being bullied. I was convinced that if they could think they would consider me to be dysfunctional and was given a free ticket to easy life(IEP). I found my imagination to be wishful thinking. Nothing more nothing less. My little pony The beginning to my most complex coping strategies One night God convicted me of this perception. I had the weirdest-dream any guy could imagine. Picture this: Nancy Drew a very feminine spy in a cross over with My Little Pony. I woke up with the weirdest sensations. Although it was a pleasant rude awakening I could not help become extremely bothered by it until I had understood what happened. Quite frankly I found it disturbing that I would dream of feminine things. The pink ilse as most would describe it is not really the way for most men to feel secure. I was into math and science not making detours such as traditional friendships. Besides my autism made this very difficult anyway. I desired a friend who shared my joy of learning and could help me past my short comings in learning, but this seemed like a useless endeavor. Again, sound familiar? After a while my anxiety like it always did exasperated the problem. Something as simple as a picture of MLP made me very nervous. Interesting part of the story the teacher who used that class room became very close to my parents when they adopted from China. It was a coloring page on her cork board. I could not get it out of my mind and it sure did not help that it was there staring at me as if scrutinizing my existence. I decided to face reality once and for all. I was to overcome this distraction and moe on with my life. I was into art for many different reasons, but it helped me solve many problems. One it helped me with social anxiety even though my assigned IEP teachers hated it and two it was a wonderful way to get ideas down. I favored sketch noting because it helped in the learning process. I sucked at balancing drawing and learning from lectures. However, I always found sketch noting to be a useful tool. Even if my teachers hated it. Perhaps it could help here as well. I looked up tutorials on drawing MLP. Keep in mind this was at least 3 years before FIM. The company was focused on selling toys to little girls and collectors. Although the cartoons had hit on very important life skills it was still a little girls cartoon with very basic plot lines. Evil sorcerer invades ponies. The MooChic gave them wisdom and magic. Another was the life of school girls, a school bully, and the attractive sports teams. The current one at the time made Rainbow Dash a fashion Diva and Star Catcher the role model for Pegasus ponies on ButterFly Island. . What next? I sky scraper ice cream sunday? Oh yea they did that too. To welcome the Pegasus ponies that they thought Minty was making up. Yes, Pinkie Pie was very into parties back then too. Any excuse was great right? However, after drawing several tutorials of ponies I found a strange joy and a deep sense of piece. I loved the anime variation the most. I hated anime back then which was funny come to think of it (My story of appreciation in anime another time). My parents react and Understanding who I am I kept this fascination hid for a while. I think my parents knew before I told them. I will never forget how my mother asked me if I was gay. I never could be romantically involved with another man. Not back then and certainly not today. I was over joyed to get my first pony doll as a gift. It was Toola Roola the painter before the dreaded G3.5. Actually I thoroughly enjoyed that too. I only had one episode I did not like. The characters started talking to the audience if that gives you any clue. Actually, the way my family took it was wonderful. I mostly dressed in black during my teenage years. That and any colors that Tripp used for their cloths. Inwardly I was looking for a way out even though I did not want to admit it. It took 6 years for me to begin to understand this. My coping strategies began in high school and took about 5 more years to allow God to change me. Although people did not really get me I always found God speaking to me through Church family. The Missing Peace outside of Mineral Area was a masculine hunting theme. The women had their area, but hunting and farming was a big passion of the pastoral staff. They even had some girls who enjoyed a good hunt. Not criticism in the slightest. I imagine there are few tomboys who men fight over because of common interests. Needless to say I never found a problem with it. Hunting and farming was not my thing even though I lived on a farm at the time. Hey, we were city slickers who moved out to the country. It took a long time for my father to get used to it. He always loved the family more than I gave him credit for. Perhaps my least favorite lesson and the most comical was one where my father never anticipated much less did it intentionally. After moving out I realized my father was right on just about everything I disagreed with him on. The realization of independence Its freedom with responsibility The man understood tax law vs a guy who did major science. Add that this teenager had an unusual taste for feminine things. Of course I proved a point when moving out. I proved that I could live a life worthy for a reality TV show. Anyone want to pass the popcorn? We are about to watch this guy live on mana for three years. Trust me those aren't dead birds that fell out of the sky. At least not if you want it to be.
I will say the one thing I had going for me was my art and writing. My imagination was vived and this time I decided not to regret it like I did when I was younger. When I was a preteenager I pretended my robots worked. When your still learning how not to get 3rd degree burns (insert absurd lie detected here) from a 5v regulator and a traditional nine-volt you find other ways to waste time. Actually it was only a severe 1st degree burn. The shape of the heat sink was imprinted on my thumb for a while. Like holy cow only I am not giving beef for dinner. This is not branding iron. Sarcasm!!!
My first successful written program was not until 2 years after I moved out. It was a merge between a PIC chip and the famous Radioshack lab. I got 8 leds to count in binary. I did not recognize it back then though. The next programming challenges stumped me. I could not get passed writing Hello Ponyvill to an LCD screen. Apparently upper case letters and lower case matter big time. I was convinced I broke every chip I touched. I eventually put that away to deal with a bigger problem. Boom I turned myself into a pickle The big reveal I am a man in a pickle I got into sewing/needle craft, art, and writing. For a while I focused on making items to get into craft fairs. Only to be told that the hours spent would be counted and not the profit. I could lose my government support that came in from having a disability. Needless to say I was in a pickle. However, I learned many things through some rather difficult situations. Some of them took time to overcome the emotional damages. God had a bigger plan though. I was not aware that there were many different programs out there. Enough to fill a book and be called a book of code. Not math or computer operations mind you, but rather procedure to guidance to be self sufficient. God needed to prepare me though. I went through some very difficult things in my life. This blog post is by no means complete in this. At the time I was well supported by friends and I had resources that were practically free. I had a social group whose focus was on craft projects. I even had a spiritual social group with my local Church and my online ministry in My Little Pony. We had one admin who was respected and was given the final say. I was an admin who diffused conflicts in Face Book messenger. With having a rather difficult past and a disability I had compassion for those who did not exactly understand the rules of the social group. I had kept my coping mechanisms under the rug for a while. I was not intentionally hiding it, but I did not say anything unless given the right question. Actually the secret was short lived. After moving to a city with better opportunity I became dependent on something that was sort of hidden. If that makes sense. I found imagination to be very beneficial to help me in difficult times. I called them imaginary friends and the place the imaginary realm. However, that was only a part of it. I also used age regression to overcome anxiety. The new responsibilities have became a lot more difficult. I began a life in a place about an hour away from my parents. My previous life was a little simpler. I used age regression to overcome some difficult things. Questioning my gender was one of them. However, I never forgot my roots. I was accused of homosexuality many times over. I overcome these emotions when I found a forum called Adisc. Before moving to their new server they had a separate group on their server for Christians. Conflicting opinion was not uncommon, but the admins and mods did a wonderful job at maintaining peace. I would be an admin myself if it was not for the final straw in higher education. I had to silently turn down the offer and recover my spirituality. The problem was straight forward, but the solution was the hardest thing I had to do in my entire life. I had to abandon higher education all together. I never gave up on my dream to do something with electricity and electronics. However, I decided to take it upon myself to learn and to find a new way to my career. I had been told to pick up the pace after leaving algebra to be thrown into calculus. It was called pre-calculus because it was designed to get students to learn advanced algebra and the basics of calculus all in one 3 to 4 month semester. A lot of students changed their major. I decided to drop out of college entirely. My best friend I had told me that I would pass it with flying colors if I attempted it again. I had a grasp on it there for a while and then I got stumped when we hit synthetic division. I failed two tests in a row. There really was no way to make up for that and pass. I lost heart in an engineering degree and it was obvious that God was calling me in a different direction. Its not over yet While I understood most of my personal history I really did not have an adequate perception. At least not a perception to understand what God had planned for me from the beginning. I would not have been prepared if my parents did not challenge me on my dream of becoming a published author and well known artist. Without understanding my conflicts with my own doubt and sorrows I could never expect to have the grit to make it past the critics. With a new appreciation and the correct perception I know there is hope for me yet. Notes The complete story is not over and there will be a part 3 to this 2020 update. I wanted to cut in shorter due to how I had to resolve problems. I also was worried about the fact that things needed to cool down before I even could write something legible for the final component for this series. Part three will be the conclusion. It will tie everything together with the first post of 2020 update. I am not entirely sure if the formatting is adequate for this post. I wanted to see what Libre office did. I find Microsoft word to be very difficult for me to use. The menus have continued to change drastically and I keep getting lost when I can't find anything. So, I am hopeful blogger can fix the formatting automatically without any having to fiddle with the HTML stuff.