Little Pebble 10 Update 2020
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Introduction to Little Pebble 10
When people take the time to listen they often admire my way of life. However, I do have to laugh at first impressions. I never had good luck with most of my first impressions. One of them being Razzac “ye of the gods”. Long story short I offended her over adult art when I was a teenager. We ended up becoming the best of friends upon the ability to agree to disagree and to forgive and forget. The only reason we don’t talk now is because she deleted her Deviant Art account due to art theft. Another incident that is more recent is when I met a guy going to tech school to become a nurse. I don’t know if it was how he put it or that it was just so out of place. He asked me if I was gay. First of all I am not active in the LGBT community. I rub that community the wrong way because of my differing view points.
Disclaimer
In part one I am going to go over what I believe and the perception of gender that many people don’t understand or at least not at first. I do not agree with the transgender concept. If this offends anyone I ask that you do not read my writing. You do not have to read it and if you do thats your choice. I intend my writing to be an expression of my beliefs, my life, and who I am as I understand it. This is not intended to force anyone to believe differently. To accuse me of such things is a false accusation and I will not allow anyone to accuse me of such things. You are responsible for your own life and I have that right as well.
I Am Simply A Christian
The truth actually is I believe in interpreting the scripture as a whole and within the context that it was originally written. A lot of people like to pin me down with scripture either to contradict my interpretations or to look for contradiction in my life in general. Thing is, I am not the traditional Christian that a lot of people think of or could describe on something such as a news report. I am not that type of Christian who forces his own belief but, rather informs people when they ask or if I suspect rumors have been created. Again I started this public diary for this reason. I want to be able to clear things up and be able to provide something that connects all the forums I am on. In essence I am a Christian not defined by social media or a news report. My life goals are based on Mathew 18:1-5, Mathew 7:1-5, Mathew 5:17-19, and James 1:17-27 that summarizes my belief. Perhaps the most important thing I am writing about is who I am spiritually. This will continue on into the later parts of this update series. These are the key verses that I will be reflecting upon. The Bible is the living word of God and is my light in the darkest of times that I face. Whether its hurtful words spoken by some one I was close to, a broken relationship, or a death of a loved person this is where my feet fall. My type of Christianity is a life lived for the God whom I firmly believe created everything above and below. Expressing Little Pebble 10 In A Fantasy Escape I like to think about how other people decompress or manage their own problems when I explain my way. I remember a co-worker who used to bring markers to work and perfectly square pieces of paper to color. Basically she needed a way to express her obsessive “perfect” nature without taking it out on people who were unorganized at check-out. She would color four squares in four different colors making something like the Chrome Browser symbol. Basically a square of perfect colors. My regression is taking this one step further. I like to sketch and create art that reflects my life but, from a view point of my inner child. I sometimes even challenge myself with coloring books where its entirely coloring for the sake of coloring. I often get so wrapped up with my art reflecting real world physics. Whether its light, gravity, or structure I often become overwhelmed with these concerns. So, much so, I forget to have fun and just express myself or to let go of my problems to see them properly. I will use kiddy crayons, coloring books, and maybe even finger paints at times for this. The idea is to get out of the focused perfection that limits my perception. Little Pebble 10 is a character that in the beginning simply was who I imagined myself to be in my imaginative wonderland. I first admitted to myself that its Tulpamancy a couple years ago when I joined Tulpa dot info. That is a wonderful website for accurate information on this. My tulpae concept technically began in 2008 roughly when I became desperate to escape my depression and anxiety. Back then I called them imaginary friends and the fictional world my imaginary realm. I now call it Tulpamancy because its easier to explain with terms that are more commonly used on the internet at large. My imaginary friends are tulpa's and my imaginary world my wonderland. In 2008 I did find very weird how it felt talking to something that I knew was not there. However, I pushed through that because I noticed it did help with depression and anxiety that was rather severe at the time Over the many years that has passed it became my normal of who I am. It is actually very difficult for me to abstain from visioning them when I am hitting a difficult moment. In some circumstances I have became unresponsive to things that happened around me. People would have to either repeat what they say or they have to say my legal name several times over to get attention. This is basically because I get under soo much stress that I resort to vanishing within my imaginative wonderland. Being Small where I hide In my Own World I am the Little Pebble 10 who is a small wingless fur covered dragon. I stand roughly 4 feet tall and on all fours I am only a little above 2 feet tall. My tulpa’s often stand a bit taller than me. Even Seria my first stands a couple feet taller than me. This is essentially because I am most comfortable when those I feel protected by are bigger than me. Its simply a form of feeling protected by those capable of protecting something smaller. If the object was larger than it is a little more difficult to protect due to how hard it is to hide larger things. I do have several different types of coping strategies because while one works great in my private time the other works better because its invisible to those around me. You can’t see what I vision inside my mind therefore it does not exist to you. It is not a distraction or even a problem. This has been effective when I am vulnerable in the complete open physical space that makes up the room I am in. Even the atmosphere that contains my physical self and the perception people can not create anxiety because my mental state is not there in the open. I am transparent about most of this however, I do feel vulnerable at times. Especially when I know good and well people are angry at me or they just out right make it known that they hate me. This is a big part of why I think my imagination does this without me even knowing at times. The Adult Baby AB The Concept I call Age Regression I always found it interesting how some of my on-line AB friends will focus on what makes them feel like a child. In reality a child will focus on imagining what it would be like being an adult with a job, a family, and even activities like cooking. Any one remember playing house with the girl next door? My age regression is a bit different though. The focus is on removing the adult mask so, I either can look at my adult life from a different perspective or just forget about being an adult altogether. I kind of like to look at it as a type of short lived vacation. I have not successfully reserved an entire week end before but, I hope to in the near future. Beginning on like a Friday after my adult responsibilities. I will even take time spent at Church with my tripp pants and my inner persona that is comparable to a ten year old. I will maintain an adult respect just enough not to cause problems. I would say nothing to bring it to light but, I will focus on being a mere child before God. Then Monday morning I will be returning to the adult life that I am in. To put it simply I would begin to focus on my adult responsibilities with a new understanding of the problems I have been facing. Its funny how people will talk about getting into Pj’s the moment they walk through the door. A lot of adult baby (AB) pj’s don’t cut it for me. I only have one romper that I like and I had to put it under the sewing machine because the dumb idiot did not know how to zigzag a stretch stitch. I love the idea of something comparable to a night skirt that women would wear but, the focus is on keeping my legs warm while I am on the ground. Being able to feel my stuffed animals and things in my grasp is important to me. Being restrained in traditional pants or adult pj’s makes this difficult. I have bought a pack of AB PDF patterns a while back. I never seemed to get a grasp of stretch fabric patterns. Oh, I can sure fix them when needed however! I have learned that much. I just hope to advance on this skill to make my own pj’s for playing out my own little fantasy of being a childlike fur covered dragon. Just a little dragon who has some understanding of the adult world but, the focus is on removing the adult mask and simply anything connected to what it means to be an adult. In the past I just simply incorporated this into my wonderland. Even at home when I am going to bed I will simply attach my pacifier by a clip to my stuffed animal so I could tug on it a little. Within my mind I am that little dragon who is being comforted by my tulpa’s. This basically further incorporates my perception of my body size within my wonderland. I am easy to hold and easy to protect in the arms of my tulpae named Seria. She is a scaly dragon who has a rather large amount of hair for her main and tail tip. Of course my stuffed animal also reflects a tulpae named Rosetta who is a Unicorn in one form and a Dragon with a gem instead of a horn in the other form. I am holding a stuffed animal in my wonderland but, its more accurate to what she looks like in my vision than the real physical object in my arms when I am laying in my bed. I hate how I am alone at night with nothing more than my cat and my stuffed animals around me. So, a big part of my fantasies are to feel as though I have companionship within my home. End notes I planned on making these parts encompass a large amount of text. When I am being transparent and I am laying out some rather personal details I want people to be serous about reading it. They need to be without an opinion at least until they read everything in context. I do have secrets that I may never reveal but, I do try to be transparent where possible. The complete detail of who my tulpa’s are will never be out in the open. I also will never bring to light the type of relationships I have with them. Not only is that rather personal its also not mine to put out in the open. I gave them a promise that even though they will play a part in my published writing I will not betray their trust in me. To me they are real. Not that I can hear them audibly but, because my mentality has become so involved that I can’t simply remove this part of myself. I feel their presence in my wonderland no matter where I am physically at because of the time I spent within myself. My fictional scifi fantasy I plan on publishing into a book series will not be 100% accurate for this reason. All this to say that I do have personal secrets even though I may seem very transparent at times. My private diary (Not this blog) is closed off and will never be open to anyone. At least until God has said well done my good and faithful servant. Perhaps then I might open up some details of my personal wonderland.