Looking at My Problems
Some Decisions I made with
Art and Writing
The positive side of things
I have given electronics a break. I have several reasons, but the biggest one is the cost. My experiments are very productive. Yet, they keep resulting in buying more parts to suit a new direction. The biggest one are the Schmidt Triggers. The logic chips I currently have will work for designing the computer system, but I won’t be able to do anything with sound until I have Schmidt.
In short they have a cut off point for both high and low values.
In digital high and low are the only existing values. In analogue; however, it can range from 1v all the way to 18v. Not to mention each new volt is a new octave. Which means there are 12 values per volt of difference. If that makes sense. Accuracy is very important because I need this to be musical and not just a noise machine. Needless to say I am putting it to the side until things get paid off.
Admitting to a problem
The down side
I am sure I mentioned it before, but I will again for those who don’t know. I open up more about it when its in political posts upon conversion therapy. People can be down right jerks. Saying that I am living against myself and I am the reason I ruined my life. As in my fight against this has created depression and not the other way around.
I classify myself as straight, but only under my identity with Christ. Culture would classify me as bi curious or bisexual. There are some men who I find really attractive. I also find a deep romantic attraction when I get too close sometimes. Although I really hate it because it destroys my ability to form meaningful friendships. I was in denial about it for the longest time. Although if you have a beard don’t freak out.
I really don’t find that attractive at all. Although If you have a beard and play an instrument your my type of friend who I would love to play electronic music with. Totally feel confidence in my self control there. No offense to the beard thing though. I find people like NF attractive although the look of sorrow on his face in all the albums is a turn off. Like for real I know depression is hard, but really? Its the street cloths and smooth look that gets me. Although my attraction goes deeper. Its that inner persona some have that really gets me going. I was not stretching it when I say my attraction to the inner persona causes me problems. Although my attraction to my girlfriend right now is my driving force to overcome this. Her inner persona would be willing to die for.
When I distance myself from people its very hard on me, but its necessary at times. Although I distance myself from some because I know the boundaries would be too thin. Mostly its those who are active in the LGBT community. Its not the “super straight” mentality. If it was then I probably would not be attracted to men. Just saying. My new project will focus on these personal issues I been seeing. Like I said I been in denial about it for a while. I sort of figured it out when another Christian had “the talk” with me. It was on the forums and not anyone I knew face to face. Interesting part is they never said homosexuality once. It was more about my desires within friendship that really got discussed.
My new Writing Project
My newest project is a book series that is comparable to Zootopia only its a variation to Guardians of Valadorn. It exist in the same world as Guardians, but focuses on a civilian character instead of the Guardians. The target audience are those like me with this problem. To narrow it down its the person who does not desire homosexuality or gender dysphoria. They desire a relationship with the opposite gender, but their effeminate character complicates it. Think “Snow Flake Method” for writing. Its a how to write book. I swear! The target audience is very important to pulling this off. If you would like to check out the method I am using look it up under “Snow Flake Method,” Writing novels. Just crediting the book nothing more.
I am using my OC for the main Character, but he will still have similarities to Noah Truman. Only he is a tad bit smaller due to a slight difference in species. Noah Turman has a species more related to feathered dragons. Lily is a cross between cats and dragons. If that makes sense. So, he is shorter and a lot more fur then Noah. The first chapters will cover my difficult life moments of losing my local group and how bad it hurt because I was just beginning to realize my gender dysphoria. Although I was very much so in denial about it.
The biggest thing I want people to realize is how the denial really muddies the waters. I really don’t know how I would characterize this problem much less if this is an accurate description. For all I know I might just be bisexual and the gender dysphoria is imagined. Yet, the more I deny any of it the more I find myself hitting depression hard when I forget my med. The fact I think of this and nothing else in my low moments in my opinion is a clear sign it has something to do with it. Oddly enough when I take my med I feel like something is missing. Not depression, but rather its a cloud above and my anxiety takes the place of depression.
I hope this helps clarify what this book series is for and what its going to be about. I won’t share it too soon. I have two websites where you have to be a member in order to have access to it. I really want to have enough of it written before I even think about sharing it with people who know me face to face. This might be self explanatory for most. If not... it has to do with me figuring all this out first with those who are more interested in editing then they are reading. Although I will have a lot of people reading it who are interested. Only their familiarity with this problem will be the reason and not just because they are looking for a story to read. I am sure the fanfictions that were emotional began like this as well.
I am sure people may be worried after reading this. Actually this is a better direction then it used to be. Although when my med worked I had a very clear view of my life. It used to be that I would go between the two extremes. I remember when people really wanted me to give up my imagination entirely. It was a lot worse then my current problems. Although its really important to keep this lay low when if any of you see me face to face.
Let me bring it up. If you have scripture on this I ask you send it in messenger or other forms of text. A lot of times when I am dealing with anxiety I just don’t want to talk about my low moments. My medication works and for now I just need people to be aware unless I do bring it up.
Although God has his hand on it perfectly. My obedience saved me from things getting worse. I think its about the same now. I realize I am headed for hardship. This time is different. I know what I need to do. I won’t be unprepared like I was before. The last time I had something very similar to an out of body experience. I felt like blacking out last time. I felt God talk to me before I did. This should be encouraging because this time I have my imagination to help me see this through.